


i love you, dean.

by rosaloves



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural), Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, This sets after s15 e18, destiel deserved better, i’m sad don’t touch me, so i'm giving them what they deserve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27730162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosaloves/pseuds/rosaloves
Summary: Castiel is dead and Dean has to face his own feelings dripping with guilt and grief.(Sets after s15 e18 when destiel became canon and directly robbed after)
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. I love you, Dean.

He is leaning against the front of his car and takes a sip from his drink.  
It’s been a hell of a week and he still can’t wrap his head around it.

_ I love you _

He can hear the voice in the back of his head and shuts his eyes tightly. The stinging pain in his chest doubles and it feels hard to breathe. Dean can remember the only two other moments in his life feeling this exact pain.

The first one was when he watched his home explode and burn into ash, along with his mother’s body.

The second one was when Sam died the first time (seriously what even  _ is _ his life?) when this man, Jake was his name he thinks, stabbed Sam. His baby brother died right in front of him and all Dean could do was sell his own soul to a common demon to bring Sam back.

After a while nothing hurt anymore. There was a tear here and there, but deep inside of Dean he was long dead. Nothing mattered to him anymore, because after the fourth time that Sam died, Dean secretly wished for him to stay dead. He wished for Sam to stay dead because this would mean he could finally end his life as well.  
Azazel, Lucifer, Abaddon, Lilith, Metatron, the  _ fucking _ Death and all these other sons of bitches ruined everything and took his life will away. All this mingling with their problems and threats. Carrying the worlds safety on their shoulders.  
But if Sam had been dead, then Dean would have no more reason to live. He would have been free.

_ I love you, Dean. _

And now back in the present he involuntarily has to take it back. The words have been said and since then his heart has a deep crack that just won’t close.  
Tears are forming in his eyes again and he hates himself for being weak again.  
There was nothing he could have done, he keeps telling himself. The known feeling of guilt spreads through his ribs and it feels like it claws at his rib cage, crushing it with a painful force.

He looks up at the sky and shakes his head lightly. “Goddammit Cas, what have you done.”

Dean knows that Cas' confession didn’t come out of nowhere. He  _ knows_ he chose to ignore Cas’ looks at him. The way his angel friend lowered his head every time Dean left the bar with a random woman, the way those unfairly blue eyes would force themselves deep into Deans soul when he tells Cas about his favorite pie or explains him how exactly he manages to restore his car every time they wreck it.

But Dean just chose to ignore it.  
It was a ridiculous thought  _\- him and Cas goddammit -_ and he managed to ignore it for over 10 years. Lots of women and booze usually did the magic.  
Sometimes he had to repress the imagination of looking into blue eyes when he came and shortly after he would bid the brown or green eyed women goodbye.  
He didn’t want things to change. He didn’t want to be afraid to lose Cas in battle. Had he given into his feelings and lost him after, Dean would have suffered profoundly.

But now Cas is gone.  
Now, Cas is gone and Dean will never have the chance of saying it back, so this option didn't really help.  
He was so struck with shock when those three words left Cas’ beautiful lips, there was no way he would have ever thought of hearing them.

_ I love you _

He will never get to see his smile again or hear his deep laugh.

_ I love you _

He will never get to feel those strong hands on his shoulders again, the angel’s attempts to reassure him again and again.

_ I love you _

He will never see those crinkles cornering his god-like eyes and the features in his face.

_ I love you, Dean _

But most importantly he will never get the chance to feel his lips on his own, to feel his hand in his own and to feel his soul deep in his own.

It’s too late now, what’s done is done, and there is nothing he can change.  
He thought the long forgotten pain in his chest would never emerge again after Sams first death, but it seems like he has underestimated his feelings towards the angel.

He sets the bottle of whiskey onto the hood of his car and rubs his eyes. He doesn’t even pretend to wipe the whiskey stains off the hood. Nothing really matters anyway.  
The sun is rising, it must be around 5:30 in the morning, and his eyes feel weary and heavy.

He hasn’t slept in 37 hours.

He hasn’t smiled in 37 hours.

He hasn’t laughed in 37 hours.

He hasn’t talked in 37 hours.

He hasn’t stopped drinking in 37 hours.

He hasn’t felt  _ anything _ except pain in 37 hours.

He hasn’t seen Cas in 37 hours.

The sob that heaves out of his mouth is sudden and comes before he can keep himself together.

“Cas,” he chokes out and his body jolts. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to end.”  
He takes another nasty sip of the whiskey bottle and lands with his back on the hood of the car.  
His eyes see the blurry sky and he doesn’t feel his arm reaching out towards it.

“This isn’t supposed to end this way. This isn't supposed to end this way.”  
His cracked whispers sound like a mantra he tells himself in hopes of reassurance.

Cas shouldn’t have died this way.  
Cas deserved a peaceful death, still way too far away from the present.  
Cas was meant to have a perfect and happy life.

Cas  _ could _ have had the perfect and happy life, if only Dean hadn’t ignored the signs.

He thinks back of Castiels tearing eyes looking into Deans hopeless ones. The way the angel told him about their only other option than dying. Deans eyes widened as Cas told him. The angel sacrificing his own life to keep the man he loves alive.

_ Because the one thing I want... it’s something I know I can’t have _

Deans heart was pounding hard and he almost thought it would break his rib cage and jump right out of his chest. Confusion and denial clouded his mind, too scared for the truth to be told out loud.

_ Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me _

He tried to look away but those blue orbs had him all tied up with no chance to leave.

_ You changed me, Dean _

It was a goodbye and Dean knew it. He had no power, no matter what he would have done, Cas was always stronger and would’ve stopped him.  
And then there were those words.

_ I love you _

And Dean didn’t know what to say. Deep down in his heart he always longed to hear those words. He longed to hear those words coming out of Castiels mouth, but not this way.  
Then when Castiel shoved him out of the way for the darkness to take him, Dean was powerless andperplexed. His mind was too damaged and too slow to comprehend what just happened.  
He can’t remember how he left the room, he can’t remember how he met up with Sam again, he can’t remember Sam asking about Castiel and he can’t remember him crumbling down in his younger brother’s arms.

Castiels first touch, pulling Dean out of the depths of hell, leaving his mark on his shoulder.

  
Castiels last touch, shoving Dean out of the way to sacrifice himself, leaving his mark on his shoulder.

Castiels first words to him were _“Hello, Dean.”_

Castiels last words to him were _“Goodbye, Dean.”_

Dean drops his arm and thinks if his heart stops right now, he wouldn’t mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this idea came to me when I watched my boys finally being acknowledged and directly robbed again.  
> Lets be honest, I’m thankful but destiel deserved better.
> 
> Thinking of posting another part of this, would you want one? What do you think could happen?
> 
> I’m always happy and grateful for comments & kudos ♡


	2. heaven

A _fucking_ nail.

A _goddamn fucking_ nail is what eventually killed him.

Dean Winchester has fought several kinds of monsters; vampires, wendigos, demons, angels and even _God_ himself, but no, out of all these several, dangerous options that could have killed him it’s actually a _simple fucking rusty nail_.   
He feels like life just can’t get any better for him. Well, obviously not, he is dying after all.

Poor Sam, Dean thinks. Poor Sam is watching Dean die, hanging on that post and nail like a jacket. Poor Sam is crying into his brothers shoulder, nodding at Deans last wishes. He wishes for Sammy to live a normal life.  
“Get yourself a good woman,” he says to him. “Get a real nice house, with the whole white fence shit everyone dreams about.” Dean notices the loss of feeling in his legs, but he can still feel the tears on his face.

”Be a good father, Sammy. Please promise me this, do this for me. Be a good Dad.”

Sam is crying again when he feels his brother’s tight grip slacken, his shoulders slumped down and no pulse to be felt.  
Sam takes his time to grief and when he is ready to pull his brother off of that nail, he wraps him into a white curtain and fixates everything with ropes. Sam finishes up the fire place and carries his brother on top.  
The fire swallows Dean like a hungry snake, hissing every once in a while, hungry for more. Sam stays there the whole time, even when the stench of burnt flesh etches into his nose and all the way to his brain.  
He leaves when it’s done and it’s now that he realizes it.

This is it. This is the end of an era.

* * *

When Dean opens his eyes, he is standing on top of a hill, next to a wooden house.

_Ah, at least I made it to heaven._

He didn’t notice saying it out loud, but suddenly an all too familiar voice grows next to him.  
Dean can’t believe it. Bobby is here, right here in heaven with him.  
The old man makes him sit down next to him, gives him a bottle of beer, and explains it all. Bobby tells him that Jack tore the walls in heaven down. It’s no longer your own heaven with your best memories. This is the afterlife, everyone you know is dead can be found here. Bobby speaks out Deans thoughts.

“Your parents are up on the other hill. They are waiting for you.”

Dean wonders how long they have waited yet. He wonders if his mother thinks that Dean doesn’t do anything but mistakes. He wonders if his parents expected him to die sooner.  
He ignores it and takes a sip of the beer. God, it tastes like crap. You’d think the beer in heaven had a better taste. Of course not, though, would’ve been too comfortable.

”So,” he eventually starts, the silence growing uncomfortable. “Jack did all this, huh?”  
Bobby, that son of a bitch, grins into his beer and nods. “Yeah, Cas did help though.”  
Deans heartbeat quickens and his palms start to sweat. All of sudden the beer feels weird in his gut, even though he seems to drink faster than before now.

_Cas?_

He knows Bobby can feel his thought, he just always knows too much, but this time the old man doesn’t say anything. He just slyly grins again and takes another sip.  
Dean clears his throat. “So where is he?”  
But Bobby just shrugs - as if it's a simple question Dean wouldn't burn himself to know the answer - and leans back in his chair. “Dunno, he came by just once. Haven’t seen him for some time.”  
Dean nods, trying to ignore the disappointment in his gut.

They finish their drinks on Bobby’s porch and it feels like back in the days. They don’t talk much, they never did, but there's always a mutual comfortableness around their silence.

God, Dean's really misses this.  
Back after Bobby's death he didn't have much time reminiscing the good old times with him.  
After occasional talking, swearing and drinking Bobby shows Dean his Baby. His good old car, always there when needed and never disappointing. His heart leaps when he sees Baby and he instantly walks over to slide his fingers against the door handle, ignoring Bobbys laughter behind him.

”I knew you’d be happy to see her again.” Even though there are chuckles between those words, Dean can still hear the fondness in the old man’s voice. “Maybe you wanna take a drive up the mountains and look for a place to stay. You can choose whichever inhabited area you want, just make sure it’s near this dump.”

Dean laughs and his eyes crinkle when he looks at Bobby and then at the man’s house. “It ain’t that bad, Bobby.”  
  


Bobby just smiles lightly and takes a sip of his beer. “I know,” he says, “after all this is where I raised you two idjits.”

* * *

The feeling of Baby’s seats pressed against his body fuels Dean’s adrenaline.  
He is just driving and driving and driving.  
He doesn’t know where he is headed to, he must be at least 2 hours away from Bobby’s house, but he just continues to drive. The road looks the same the whole ride on, but he doesn’t care. As long as he’s driving and blasting AC/DC, he fells just fine.

_Maybe…_

_No._

Dean shakes his head.  
He doesn’t want to think about him now.

_But maybe you should find hi-_

_No._

The voice inside of him almost manages to ruin his mood, but as soon as the first tunes of ‘ _Travelling Riverside Blues’_ by Led Zepplin play out of his speakers _(“Spotify doesn’t have the same effect as cassettes, Sam!”)_ he starts drumming to the rhythm and forgets his worries again.

After several hours of just driving around and not having to refuel Baby – _awesome_ – Dean has somehow managed to find his way back near Bobby’s house.  
He knows Bobby wants him near and he knows his parents live just nearby as well, but he needs his space first. After stopping the car, all the memories and all the feelings come back and now Dean has to figure them out first.

He knows his mother loves him just the way he is. He knows his mother would never be disappointed in him and most likely not because he died so soon and left Sammy all alone.  
Dean just knows that his mother would welcome him, sad about his passing being so soon, but she would be joyful to have him back again.

He knows his father would have been disappointed in him. He knows his father would have yelled at him, how he could be so stupid to die over a goddamn nail and leave Sammy behind. But he also knows that the old John Winchester is dead and the new John Winchester is happily reunited with his wife. Dean knows that his father would welcome him with a warm and loving hug,

He knows that all of his former friends; Jo, Ash, Ellen, Charlie and everyone else are just waiting there for him to come and tease and laugh with him. He knows that no one blames him for their death, but Dean knows that he still blames himself and that he will never get over it.

And then there _he_ is.  
Castiel.  
Dean knows so much, but suddenly he knows nothing about Castiel.  
He doesn’t know if Cas remembers what he had said to Dean just before his death. He doesn’t know if Cas really meant it or just said it for whatever reason to justify his sacrifice. Dean doesn’t know how Cas would react when they’d see each other again, if Cast even expects him to be here already or if he knows it but decides not to come and see him. The thought of Cas avoiding him caused his chest to tighten uncomfortably.

But beyond that, Dean doesn’t even know how he himself would react.  
Just thinking about seeing Cas’ face again, these deep, ocean-blue eyes, these beautiful crinkles when he smiles and the smile - _oh shit that smile_ – it makes his heart go crazy just thinking about it.  
Why is it so hard to accept it though? Why did he never make a move?  
Truth be told, Dean has kissed a guy once in his High School. He hasn’t told anyone of course, his Dad would’ve beaten his ass up, but he still remembers it as if it were yesterday.

The boy’s name was Daniel and he was the first friend Dean found at that school. Daniel was a nice boy, always a helping hand to teachers and students, but he also had the kind of muscled body that made the boys respect him. Of course he played a million sports like football, rugby, basketball and whatnot. He noticed Dean and his wit immediately and strangely befriended him on the second day of school.  
Dean normally doesn’t do friends. He knows that he never stays longer than a month at school, so he never bothered to impress anyone, but there was something different about Daniel. That boy had a laugh that could hypnotize you, Dean’s pretty sure he was hypnotized, and he had a way with words so charming he could even make the grumpiest teacher smile.  
  
Dean really liked him, so when Daniel invited him over to a party at his own house, he accepted of course. It was a fun party, most of them were pissed out drunk and even though Dean was only 15, he still had enough experience with alcohol to know his limit. He didn’t know any of those people, so he had to be careful and sober enough not to slip out anything about his family business.  
He met a couple of nice girls and boys from school, but he often looked around to see where Daniel had disappeared to. Sometimes he was at the beerpong table, sometimes in the kitchen and sometimes he was at another table playing stupid teenager games with the others.  
Dean didn’t know why he was so infuriated with him; he just seemed like a really good friend. So when the party eventually died down and only three people were left, sleeping sprawled across the couch and the floor, Dean stayed to help Daniel cleaning up.

He often thinks about the way Daniel smiled at him when he said something funny. He often thinks about the way Daniel’s pinky brushed against Dean’s hand when they were standing outside leaning against the railing of the balcony. Daniel looked at him with that charming grin again and took a drag of his cigarette.

“You mind if I take a drag?” Somehow the thought of his lips touching the filter where Daniel’s lips had just been made his stomach turn.

But Daniel just shook his head and grinned at him again. “Nah, it’s a bad habit a pretty boy like you shouldn’t start.”

The 15 year old Winchester boy was blushing and he didn’t know _why_.

“You ever kissed a girl before?” The question came out of nowhere and Dean grinned proudly at Daniel.

“’Course I did,” he said with such a confident tone.

“Well well, I can understand why.” Daniel took another drag and Dean’s eyes followed every move.

“I’d like to know how it tastes like,” Dean said and pointed at the cigarette. “My dad let me drink a couple of times with him, but he doesn’t smoke so I never had the chance to.”

Daniels eyes were looking deeply into Dean’s and there was something dark pooling in them. He sensed that Daniel was thinking, but he didn’t know about what.  
So when Daniel said “I can show you.” Dean didn’t know what he meant and looked confused. Didn’t he just refuse to let him smoke?

“You ever kissed a dude before?”

“What? No, why woul-“ Deans eyes widened.

_Oh-_

He gulped and gripped tighter onto the railing. It felt like he would fall down at any moment and suddenly Daniels face was _so close-_

Kissing a boy was not how Dean imagined it. The feeling of Daniels cold and chapped lips on his was way different than girl’s soft and sticky ones. At first he didn’t know if he liked it, it was so tense and cold, but the moment Daniels lips started to move properly against Dean’s, it became warm and comfortable. It felt… nice. Dean liked nice. And Dean liked Daniel’s lips.

It went on like this for another minute, before he felt something wet against pressing against his lips. Dean was surprised and he gasped at the sudden feeling, which gave Daniel’s tongue the opportunity to move forward. But Dean was frozen in shock at the sudden feeling in the pit of his stomach, so Daniel’s tongue only had time for a couple of seconds to enjoy the feeling of Deans mouth, before the Winchester boy pulled away with a deep intake of breath.

He was in shock. He didn’t know what just happened and how it happened so fast. He didn’t know what was going on inside of his pants and he didn’t know how he managed to zoom out Daniel’s apologies.

“-so sorry Dean, I’m really sorry if I rushed you! Are you okay?”

Dean felt so perplexed and it took him a moment to look back at Daniel. “It’s okay,” he managed to choke out. Damn, he never lost his cool with girls but _this_ \- this was different. He did like it, it was nice and warm and fuzzy, but if his Dad ever found out about this, shit would go down.

“It’s okay,” repeated, not sure if for himself or for Daniel, but when his eyes looked over the railing, he saw the sun rising.

_Oh shit!_

“Fuck- what time is it?!”

Daniel was confused at Dean’s reaction but looked at his wristwatch and told Dean the time. It was half past six in the morning and Dean nearly fainted.  
He grabbed his jacket and told Daniel that he had to leave immediately.  
His father, John Winchester, had told him the day before that he would have to go out hunting in the morning and that Dean would have to take care of his little brother.  
He knew his father would yell at him, ask him where he had been the whole night, that he couldn’t just ignore his father’s order like a disrespectful sun.

And it was just as he thought.

He remembered Daniel yelling after him “See you on Monday at school!”

But Daniel didn’t see Dean at school.  
When Daniel was in school, Dean was already on his way to the next town with his father and brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whohooo another part!
> 
> I already know where I'm going with the next one.  
> Actually didn't think I'd continue this but I like it so why not.
> 
> I’m always happy and grateful for comments & kudos ♡


End file.
